If the cap fits...

NEW REGIME

We are the resurrection of the dead

forgotten ways. We cultivate despair

in veiled anathema of womankind.

We are the ancient writings reassessed

by gunlight in the aftermath of war.

Ours is the only truth you need to know.

Fake News or False Precision?

I read this today (I won't say where because I have no wish to embarrass the writer or the publication):

In the heart of Africa, energy giant Total is about to build the biggest heated oil pipeline in the world. To extract 1,033,417,417,032 litres of oil, it will displace thousands of farmers, pass through some of the most important elephant and chimpanzee reserves, and threaten crucial biodiversity hotspots.

Call me a geek, but I enjoy reverse-engineering nonsensical or innumerate statements to find out what they are trying to say. Take the number at the heart of the statement, 1,033,417,417,032. That's quite a number. It's a fantastically precise number. The writer is claiming precision to one part in a trillion. The finest Swiss chronometers claim one part in a hundred thousand. Isn't it comforting to learn that crude oil extraction is ten million times more precise than Swiss chronometry?

So, how did this fantastic number arise? From a little background reading of proper sources, I learn that the reserve in question is "estimated at 6 billion barrels". That's a believable figure, properly stated. It means "we're pretty sure the reserve is somewhere between 5½ and 6½ billion barrels". That comes from an oil professional.

Then the innumerate journos move in: Go for the top of the range, 6.5 billion barrels. How big is a barrel anyway? Google it! A barrel = 158.987295 litres. Where's the calculator? How do you write 6½ billion?

6,500,000,000 x 158.987295 = 1,033,417,417,500 litres. Look, nobody's going to believe that 500 at the end. Change it, who's to know – 1,033,417,417,032  Job done.

Sorry, guys, but the correct rendering in litres is "more than a trillion". Next time, OK?

A brief innings

I put it to you, m'Lud, that no other sport is as pleasing to the eye as cricket. And in particular, the art of batting, and within that art, the technique we used to call the straight bat (meaning, of course, the vertical bat) effected, in the case of a right-handed batsman, by raising high the left elbow while stepping into the line of the ball. As youngsters, we were told to practise our strokes in front of a mirror. I did. Back defensive: Right foot, step back, across and in front of the stumps. Then left leg close the gap, feet together. High left elbow, bat vertical, in front of the body. I had it off to a T.

One Sunday, Ayr (my team) was playing an early season friendly match against Clydesdale who had a new professional. Each club was allowed one professional player. Mr Rock, from Jamaica, was over six feet tall and a fast bowler. When it came my turn to face him, I knew just what to do. I'd been practising all winter at the mirror. His first ball flew past me at chest height before I'd even moved my feet. But I was ready for his second. Right foot back, left together, high left elbow, straight bat - perfect. The ball struck the face of the bat squarely and dropped like a stone at my feet. Unfortunately, mirror practice does nothing to strengthen the wrists, so the bat flew backwards on impact, catching me a fierce blow in the goolies which ended my brief innings. Style, 10. Effectiveness, 0.

Ex-pat Plonk

Ex-pat plonk is any alcoholic beverage made by a member of the ex-pat community while living and working abroad. Some of it is pleasant enough but most of it is more or less foul. Some is even toxic. There are reasons enough for this sad situation but no valid excuses, because it is easy to make wholesome, palatable drinks that no-one need be ashamed to serve, using readily available supermarket ingredients.

I lived in the Middle East from 2002 to 2018 during which time I evolved many methods and recipes suited to the conditions and restrictions of the region. When back in UK and effectively grounded by the corona-virus pandemic, I decided to devote a blog to the topic as a 'one stop shop' for the ex-pat plonk community and anyone else who fancies giving it a go.

In fact, I already have several web articles 'out there', most notably on HubPages, where over the years I have fielded thousands of questions from aspiring wine and cider makers, most of whom, it must be said, have got into difficulties only through not following my simple directions. Fortunately, I am extremely patient. . .