PARAPLEXED

Today, Paraglider travels from Doha to Dubai and will be in the Paranormal by mid afternoon whence hordes of devoted fans and autograph hunters will stay away in droves. He may be recognised by his dissimilarity to the African woodcarving on the left. And for the rest of this week, while his posts may not rise to the giddy heights of interesting or relevant, at least they will emanate from the UAE. What does the U stand for again?

Thirty-five riyals, a valid ID and the wherewithal to buy two drinks on your first visit is all it takes to secure one of these sought after membership cards. The card lets you into Le Club. It doesn't let you bring a guest, even if you swear on your mother's grave to take full responsibility should said guest break the unwritten law or even occupy one of the scores of empty seats. It does, however allow you and four other members to outnumber the band. Or, if you can muster ten members, to outnumber the band, bar staff and security combined. It hasn't happened yet. Slaka Tourism Authority strikes again.

Paraglider's eyesight is not of the best, especially in low light levels, such as may be found in any night venue in the western hemisphere, not excluding the oddly named Sailor's Club in Seaview. Thus it was that, arriving at 11-ish and seeing no sign of Carina, he sent the following text message, or thought he did, courtesy of Nokia Predictive text - Are you awake? The reply seemed a little odd - NOT GOOD ASKING. THIS WEEK OK . (Carina favours upper case). While he was pondering the nonsequitur, Carina followed up with the more normal - WHERE YOU? This was easy, so he responded, or thought he did, with - In Seaview . Carina's response, after some delay - YOU CRAZY. NOT GOOD TALKING . This was becoming surreal. Finding a small pool of light, Paraglider inspected his sent messages. Are you awake had become are you cycle? , hence, NOT GOOD ASKING (though it must be said she did well even to extract that meaning from it). And the innocent In Seaview was rendered, by ...

Promotions come in all flavours but usually have something to do with the product being promoted. Only in Stufital are such trivial constrictions waived. Order three Kilkennies to receive your surprise gift , reads the sign on the pump. And yes, it is something of a surprise to be rewarded with an XXL Danish Tuborg T-shirt for drinking Irish beer. It seems the Kilkenny isn't moving well (does this have something to do with the Slaka door policy?) and there was this pile of T-shirts doing nothing. Big T-shirts. Maybe the Paranormal could try something similar - One free Chinese takeaway with every third 'Stan...

It was the logical next step. The cameras have arrived in Stufital. Cameras in the 12th floor lobby to make sure that the security guy enters everyone's ID on the computer and doesn't accept photocopies. And cameras inside the Old Manger bar to spy on customers relaxing with an after work beer. We learned last night why there are no more peanuts available at the bar. Apparently, they cause fights when the locals lob them at each other for fun and it escalates into a punch-up. It was like this, officer: first Khalid lobbed a nut at Mohammed, then Mohammed lobbed a nut at Khalid, then... They should reintroduce the nuts now that they have the cameras. It could be quite a sensation on you-tube. Deep in the archives of Paranormal, there's an earlier post called Watch the Birdies . Those were the days, when harmless fun was allowed.

It's a new month and with it comes the enactment of the ban on afternoon opening of all Slaka bars. And to what end? A few people who do not use the bars have imposed their collective will on the many who do, to the benefit of no-one and the inconvenience of all. And already we can hear the self-satisfied chorus in the wings: if you don't like it, you can leave . I can, I will, and am already counting the minutes until I can again call the Paranormal my local. Did I say no-one will benefit? The Paranormal and its eponymous blog probably will...